The Itch

I've been struggling with something lately.

A few weeks?  A couple months?  In all reality a year or two in the making?  I'm not really sure.

But as of late this thing is in he forefront of my mind pretty much 24/7.

I have a hard time falling asleep at night as thoughts swirl around my head.  And when I wake up in the middle of the night, I struggle to drift back to sleep.

At times, I feel an anxiety about it.  Almost a sense of stress.  Panic.  A deep need to figure it out.

For whatever reason, I have this deep feeling that there is something different I am supposed to be doing with my life.

But for the life of me I cannot figure out what it is.

It feels like there is this idea or thought, or PURPOSE inside of me.

And it has been trying to work it's way out for a long time now.

Perhaps my whole life.

I know it's there, but I am having the hardest time identifying what this "thing" is.

Putting a face to it.  Defining it's borders.  Understanding what it means and how to nourish it.

And it's frustrating the crap out of me.

It's there.  It's slowly working it's way to the surface.

I know that once I have the "Ah-Ha!" moment [assuming I have one], I am going to have this complete happiness wash over me.

I'm going to be driven in a way that I have never been before. Because I'm driven by a new sense of purpose.

I know all this, but I just don't know how to figure out exactly how to achieve it all.

Has anyone else felt this?

Known you were meant for something better, greater, happier?

Yet having absolutely no clue what it is?

The only pieces of the puzzle I feel I have figured out is that whatever this thing is, it's something that will exploit my creative side.

A side of me that has been dormant for years.  Has sat sideline while I developed and cultivated the rest of my life.  A side of me that makes me truly happy.

I also know that whatever it is, it is going to allow me to develop my nurturing side.  Give me more time with my kids.  To be the mother I have always wanted to be.  The mother my kids deserve, and the mother I deserve to be.  I think this is the part I am most excited for.

Other than that....nothing.

I come up with thoughts and ideas in my head.  Start researching the crap out of it [Hello Type A Personality!], get excited about it, and then quickly let the thought die.

It's not the one.

It's not this thing trying to break it's way through.

Trying to make me a better person.

Whatever that might mean.

As I work through the process, I have faith I will come out the other side, and eventually figure this puzzle out.

But the time frame escapes me.

It might be tomorrow.

It might be in my eighties.

Who knows.

In the mean time I sit here and hope that this process,

...this long drawn out process of discovery...

is all part of the plan.

That enduring it,

cultivating it.,

eventually figuring it all out,

is all a part of the master plan.

And that because of it I am made a better, happier, person for having gone through it.

Is it weird that every time I hear Special Agent Oso [Carter's favorite TV show] say, "It's all part of the plan...more or less..."  I chuckle a bit.  I hope I'm not as much of a bumbling fool as "Special" Agent Oso is.

I really do hope there is more than that too it.

More or less.