**Such a poignant picture. It says so much of our epic food battles**
This week I had the advantage of being able to schedule Kaeden's Four-Year Well Child Checkup and Carter's 15-Month Checkup at the same time.
Can I tell you how nice it was to knock both of these out in one shot? I may schedule any future babies to have appointmenst coincide with thier siblings appointments just for this reason.
At our appointments we basically learned three things:
1. Our little giant, Carterbabes, is not so much a giant. He may have entered this world larger than life [if you remember he was 10.5 lbs, one week early], but he has completely averaged out. At his one year appointment his height and weight were approaching the 50th percentile, and he is now officially at 50%. I do not understand why he had to be so big in the beginning. We all [doctors included] think an undetected case of gestational diabetes is to blame.
2. Even though Kaeden hardly eats to fuel any sort of growth, he surprised us by being in the 70th percentile in both height and weight. The height thing does not surprise me. I swear this kid has grown a foot in the last month alone. I look at him and just think, "You are so tall!" But the weight thing floored me. Kid does not eat!
3. I am not as bad of a mom as I thought I was.
Going into the appointment I had a laundry list of things that I felt needed to be addressed with Kaeden. I was almost certain that we'd leave either with a chastise basically telling us our problems were that of bad parenting, OR with some sort of psychological referral.
My issues with Kaeden's development aren't anything too ground-breaking, but they cause me enough concern that I constantly strive to improve things for him.
First off, we have his social anxiety. Kade has always been a shy kid. I was a shy kid, his dad was a shy kid. Millions of kids are shy. But my concern is that Kaeden has slowly developed this anxiety over social situations that he basically shuts down. Tell him that we are going to go somewhere which requires some social interaction, and he freaks. He cries, he gets sick, he begs us not to go. But once we are there, and he's had some time to acclimate, he does great. He loves playing with other kids. He loves being accepted by other kids. But the thought of going and doing it paralyzes him.
With his first year of preschool being over [which he did very well with. His severe anxiety set in well after the first few weeks of school. By that time he was so acclimated to his class that he was more than comfortable going], I felt like we needed to keep him in some social activities to continue to help him develop.
We signed him up for a sports class that Jeff actually attends with him. Sounds fun and easy, right? I mean Dad is there with you. Nope. His anxiety over the class lasted for the whole month leading up to it. It got to the point where we couldn't even talk about it. The day of his first class we got him ready, in the car, and just took him without a word. He was pretty upset and closed during the first class. Jeff said he was the only parent who had to participate in EVERYTHING. Kade was hesitant to participate in anything. At the end of class the kids play a game. The first class they played Red Light Green Light. When the kids reached whoever was the light, they'd give the light a big hug. Jeff said that when it was Kaeden's turn to be the light, he absolutely loved when everyone hugged him. You'd think it would be the opposite, right? He is scared to death to go anywhere with strangers, but strangers hugging him? SIGN HIM UP!
I also signed him up a for a craft class figuring this would be right up his ally. I mean, it's crafts! He loves this stuff! I also tried to soften the blow with the fact that his best buddy, Jane, was in the class too. Well, it didn't matter. He cried and cried when I told him I'd signed him up. It didn't matter that Jane was there. He wasn't going. When I tried to drop him off the first day, he was already in tears before we walked in the door. He wouldn't participate even though I told him I'd stay there with him. Fifteen minutes in, the teacher bear-hugged him and told him that I was going out in the hall, and he was going to have fun. He cried, but eventually quieted, and acclimated to the class. I on the other hand went to the parking lot in tears. I'm just so tired of everything being a battle.
Anyway... I discussed my concerns with the doctor, and explained to him Kaeden's new habit of panicking anytime I'm not in view. He suddenly has developed this fear of me not being around. We can be in our house, and if I get up to go to the bathroom he panics, cries, and screams for me because he doesn't know where I am. I'd be lying if I didn't say it's been frustrating for me. I can even tell him that I'm going into another room, and it's like he forgets and panics. There have even been times where we are watching TV in the same room on opposite couches. He'll be involved in the TV, then suddenly snap to, and scream to find me. Hello! Still on the couch next to you buddy.
The doctor listened and said that we are doing everything right. Gently easing him into more and more social situations will hopefully even out his anxiety. Reassuring him over and over again that there is nothing to be afraid of, that I would never leave him, and praising him for his social interactions is what we need to continue to do.
Whew. At least I was already doing that right.
And then it was on to the biggie.
Kaeden does not eat. He has never been a good eater. As a baby, he wasn't fond of baby food. I could usually get him to eat about one package of baby food over the course of an entire day. Compare that to Carter who eats multiple packages per day, and they are gone in 3 minutes flat. When Kade moved on to being able to eat finger foods, his diet consisted of his milk bottles and goldfish crackers. One reason why Kaeden had the bottle for so long [until he was two-and-a-half and we just couldn't take it anymore] was because his main source of sustenance was Vitamin D milk. We took the bottle away one day [something he took very well], and has not touched a drop of milk since. I kid you not. He has not had a drop of milk since November 2010.
His eating habits are strange. He'll be obsessed with something, and then suddenly it's on the blacklist. There was a time where bananas were our go to fruit. He'd sometimes eat two a day, beg for #3 for 4, and I'd have to tell him no because I'm sure that much potassium isn't good [jk. what do I know, I just assumed]. Chicken nuggets were a favorite for a long time. Now, he won't even touch them.
I explained to the doctor that in the last two weeks, nothing has passed Kaeden's lips but chocolate bars [chocolate covered granola bars], goldfish crackers, and water. I expected a harsh look and lecture, but instead the doc totally surprised me.
He said he wasn't totally concerned about it. He said some kids are just very hard to get to eat. We had tried the tough love thing with Kaeden earlier in the month where we basically laid out his meal, said that was what was to eat, and if he didn't want to eat, he could go to his room. We were unwavering. It was hell.
The kid is so stubborn. After hours of arguing, we'd get him to agree to a taste of mashed potatoes. He'd touch it to his tongue and start gagging [master puker, remember?]. There was a day that we were in such a stalemate over trying a sip of a fruit smoothie [A smoothie!! It's practically dessert!] that Kaeden took three consecutive two-hour naps at the base of his bedroom doorway in staunch protest of trying a sip. He'd wake up, we'd talk about him needing to try it, he'd argue, sit there stubbornly, and fall back asleep. It was at this time that I knew that he'd never cave. After doing some research I learned that forcing him and creating a bad eating experience was not what I wanted to do. Knowing that we had an appointment with the doc just a few weeks later, I resolved to let things be until I could get some sound advice.
The doctor told me that there was a doctor in his practice whose own son refused to eat. He said that the kid would try a bite of food and gag [sounds familiar!]. He said at this point the kid had mastered bread, and apples. I was feeling a little better, then the doctor added...."The kid is thirteen." What?!?!?!
So for now we are going to continue to create positive food experiences with Kaeden. The doctor suggested getting a kids cookbook, and allowing Kaeden to choose something to make out of it. The two of us will make it together, and then in the end if he eats it, great. If not, no big deal. We'll just carry on.
The doctor asked us quietly what two foods we felt were reasonable for him. Confused, he suggested apples and carrots -- both things Kaeden has eaten before, but kinda tapered off on. So the doctor looks at Kaeden and says, "Kaeden, now that you are four, I need you to start eating apples, and carrots." Kaeden looked at him, nodded, and that was it. In the car we asked him, "Kade, what did the doctor say you needed to eat?" He replied without a beat, "Apples and carrots."
Now, we've known Kaeden long enough to know that just because he says he'll eat it, doesn't mean he will. I can't tell you how many times I've prepared a meal that he's excitedly asked for, only to have him look at it and turn his nose up to it. So for the next day or two we would ask him again, "What did the doctor say you needed to eat?" And I'd tell him, "When I go to the store, I'm going to buy you some apples and carrots." He would always respond positively to these prompts.
So I went to the store, and got those darn apples and carrots, and you know what? He ate them without a fight. In fact, he's asked for them himself on couple of occasions. When he wants some fishies [goldfish crackers], I'll tell him he needs to eat 4 carrots, he'll do it, then he gets a small bowl of fishies. When he wants some more, we do it all over again. And he's been fine with it!
What the?!?! So Jeff and I have decided we're just going to have to pay a co-pay every month or so that we can go in and have the doctor tell Kaeden what new foods he needs to eat.
I just don't get it.
The bottom line is he is still developing normally. The stress his bad eating puts on me is probably doing me more harm than his bad eating is doing to him. We have conquered the battle of the daily vitamin. After our four-day food battles earlier in the month I told him I wouldn't force him to try new things as long as he took his daily vitamin. It went from a daily battle to something his just chews right up the second I hand it to him.
I also found some Ensure drinks that are clear juice boxes rather than shakes. I knew he'd never touch the shakes since they are so close in resemblance to milk. But the juice boxes he's okay with.... for now.
So in the end I learned I'm not a horrible mom. My parenting has not ruined my child. He just beats to the tune of his own drum, and it's my job to keep to the beat while continuing to try to teach him some new melodies.
I'm in it for the long haul, buddy. Let's go.
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