One Week Deep

I've made it to the one week mark with a newborn.

And you know what?

I'm surprised.

Surprised about how great it's been.

I'm also surprised that no matter how much I told myself I wouldn't stress over how old my new little guy gets as each day passes... I still do.

He's a week old.  Where the heck did the time go?  He's going to be six months in no time flat, then a year, and then in those toddler years throwing tantrums over chocolate like my nearly three year old is doing in front of me right now.  Why must I stress that it's already been a week?  Especially since I told myself I wouldn't?  Choc-at!  Choc-at!  Choc-at!!!

I'm surprised about how calm I've felt about the changes this little guy has brought to our home.  Surprised by how prepared I feel.  Surprised by how well I've managed to be the mother of two.

That's not to say it's been easy.  It hasn't.  Our new addition himself...well, I couldn't ask for better.  I looked at my extended hospital stay as a great time to just sit, relax, and get to know this little guy.  And it worked.  We've bonded.  I understand him, and I think he understands me.  I feel like he understands exactly what I need him to be right now.  He's great.  He's peaceful.  Dare I say he's been easy?

The hardest part so far?  Kaeden.  The doctor gave me the option to go home one day early, or stay my additional day in the hospital.  Knowing that I'd neglected Kaeden for going on four days, I opted to go home.  Three hours in, I was wondering how long I'd regret my decision.  The hospital was peaceful.  My home was not.  In the hospital I'd worked out a routine.  At home...chaos.

Of everyone, Kaeden has struggled the most.  He's frustrated, he's confused, and I think he worries about how he falls in the pecking order around this place.  I also think he was worried about mommy leaving him again (something I'd never done before).  To this day he will still randomly come up, hug and kiss my arm and tell me: "Mommy! You Home!"  As if this were a new development and I hadn't been camped out on the couch for nearly four days now.

All of Kaeden's emotions have exposed themselves in his general hyperactivity, hypersensitivity, and his ability to over-stimulate mommy in no time flat.  His behavior has been so hard to manage.  Jeff and I have resorted to yelling, timeouts, promises of treats.  EVERYTHING.  I'd get mad at him (and rightfully so), and then burst in to tears because I realize it's not his fault.  He's struggling with the change, and in turn we are too.  Damn hormones.  They make me nothing but a blubbering softy with no direction, rationale, or reason.  Just like my two-year-old.

I keep telling people that when I hear of someone about to bring a second child home, I often hear the comment that they are afraid about not being able to love the new child as much as they love their first.  I never really worried about this.  I love Kaeden, but I knew that my heart had much more love to share.

After being home from the hospital for a few hours, I had a new fear.  The fear that I wouldn't ever love my first child the same way again.  He was THAT frustrating.  But we are a few days in, and I think we're on the mend.  I think Kaeden understands that his role is the same.  I think he understands we still love him the same.  I'm hoping sooner or later he'll understand that his new brother will be a great addition to his life.  In the mean time, we're coping.

I was prepared for the general turmoil new moms feel when bringing home a newborn.  The sleepless nights, the inability to keep up with all the demands of life.  But surprisingly (again) I haven't felt that.  I wake up multiple times in the night to feed, change, and entertain the baby, but I actually feel slightly refreshed.  Sure, I'm tired, and still recovering from surgery (which in it's own right is annoying in it's overall ability to remind me that I'm human and do need to recover), but I feel like I have a handle on this.  At least for the time being.

And the whole nursing thing?  Oh my gosh.  Can I just tell you what a dream it's been? (Comparatively speaking)  From day one this little fella has been a great nurser.  I went into the birth knowing that I wanted to nurse.  Knowing that I wanted to try to correct everything that slipped through the cracks with Kaeden's birth, but also knowing that if things didn't work out, I wouldn't be as hard on myself as the first go around.  But you guys.... it's working!

Sure I was in tears on day four when my perfect little nurser stopped being just that.  But a quick trip to Google, I figured out my problem, and back to a symbiotic relationship we were!  I've pulled out the pump a few times to help with engorgement, and to keep my ample supply up as the baby slowly increases his demands, and I'll tell you what.  I DO NOT know how I solely pumped for five months until my milk just gave up with Kaeden.  Pumping is hell.  But back then, I was determined.  And this go around I was too.  I feel extremely blessed that the Good Lord above has given me the ability to provide for my child in a way that I have always wanted to. I also feel blessed to know it's not the end of the world if for some reason the luck I've had so far ended tomorrow.  Life goes on.

So yeah.  One week in, and I'm feeling great.  I know bumpier roads are ahead, and I'll deal with those as they come.  But today, I feel good.

I take that back, sometimes I don't feel so good.  That's because I reflect on how oddly prepared I have felt for this baby, and I think: "Poor Kaeden.  I really messed up on THIS, and THIS, and THIS, and THIS when it came to him. I wish I could go back and do it all over again."  But instead I've just nick-named him my "Practice Baby."  Kaeden never nursed?  Well that's because he was my Practice Baby!  He's still refuses to potty train?  Practice Baby! He doesn't have healthy diet, or a diet at all? Practice baby!  Not sleeping in his own bed yet?  Yep!  Practice Baby. 

I guess that's the beauty of motherhood.  We're human.  And just like our children do at each developmental stage in life.... WE LEARN.

And I think that our ability TO LEARN is a major component in the BEAUTY OF IT ALL.

Oh please oh please, don't let me regret the overall optimism of this post in no time flat.  Amen.