I actually thought of this title about a week ago when I was brought to tears at the sight of about 1/4 ounce of spilt milk on my counter top. Read below to find out why.
Disclaimer: this post might contain a little bit TMI. I don't really think so, but some readers might be a little more conservative than me. I lost all my conservatism on the operating table as they cut [doctor's word, not mine] my little guy out of me.
Ever since I got pregnant, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. I just think that it is so cool that we as mothers can provide such a vital [hello! food! I live for food!] element of our children's development. I'll admit that the whole going to breast thing is a little odd when you really sit down and think about it, but I was soooo looking forward to the bonding experience, health benefits for Kaeden, and the overall satisfaction of knowing that I as a mother was providing for my child.
After painfully realizing that I could probably never be a "normal" breastfeeding mother [for a lot of reasons, but I'll spare you the unabridged version of my breastfeeding journey which features cameos by judgemental lactation consultants and uncomfortable contraptions such as nipple shields], I found that I could still provide for my little guy by pumping. Let me tell you: You have to be dedicated to keep this routine up. Not only do you have to feed the baby on demand [as with traditional breastfeeding], you also have to add on the task of pumping after every feeding which takes just as long [if not longer] as the feeding itself. Since the day Kaeden came home from the hospital, he was never given a drop of formula [in the hospital he was given a lot, and this is my first gripe of many]. It took a lot of time and dedication on my part, but I was willing to do it in order to provide for my little guy.
Although I still felt inadequate about my inability to "do it the right way," [watching other mothers successfully breastfeed as if it were second nature often caused my eyes to well up with tears] I was happy that I could still provide for Kaeden in my own little way.
That is until as of late. I had to swallow my pride and emotions a few weeks ago and begin supplementing Kaeden with formula for his night feedings. My milk supply had mysteriously started dwindling, and it continues to get worse and worse. I know that research shows that today's formulas are very similar nutritionally to actual breast milk, but I couldn't [and still can't] help but feel that in some way I have failed my child. It hurts, but it's a hurt that I think only I can understand. I know, I'm weird.
As the days continue, my supply drops lower [and likewise my spirits]. I just don't know why I cannot embrace the change. My goal of exclusively breastfeeding to 12 months had been shattered, so I compromised and made a goal to primarily feed breastmilk until 6 months. Now here I am a few days over four months and I am looking to give up completely. Where I used to pump 6-8 oz every 3 hours, I now am lucky to get anything over 1 oz in an 8 hour period.
I think one of the hardest things for me is the fact that I am not a quitter, but here I am giving up. Hubs keeps reminding me that I'm not giving up, my body just doesn't want to cooperate. Although, he has never been as gung-ho as me in trying to keep formula out of the equation since his first child was an exclusively formula-fed baby.
I read online about all the tricks you can do to increase supply. I read everywhere that supply is directly related to demand and that if your supply drops off it's because of something you are doing wrong. All these articles act like this breastfeeding thing is just a breeze. It's all just a lie. No two woman are alike. I know there is nothing [believe me, I've tried] that can get me back in the milk-producing condition I used to be in.
All I know is that with my next kid, things will be different starting with what happens in the hospital. I hope that I'm more successful the next go around, but saying that sometimes makes me feel like I'm selling Kaeden short [shouldn't I have known all of this before he was born to make it fair?] Anyhow....if any of you are expecting mothers, or future-mothers just hoping to expect, I'd be happy to share my experience with you and tell you what I would have done different if I would have "known" what this whole experience actually entailed. I think that if I understood a lot of things better up front [i.e. the hospital process, what the first few days at home are like, how experiences of a c-section delivery vary from that of a "normal" delivery, etc.] I would have been better equipped to meet my goals. Hopefully I can help someone make slightly more informed decisions before they are thrown in to the fire, because when you are left to Google everything, you tend to find some harshly written articles about what is "proper" and "correct."
They say hindsight is 20/20, but they also say you shouldn't cry over spilt milk.
12 Comments:
oh, ashley! the woes of breast feeding!
i really hope that you don't feel like you "failed" because you have to supplement. i think women nowadays are so fixated on "starting their kids on the right foot" from the second they're born that they get such anxiety if one teeny little thing deviates from their plan. don't get me wrong, i think it's an awesome goal to have, to breast feed your sweet baby, but i don't think you should beat yourself up over it if it doesn't work. both of my kids were exclusively formula fed (by choice), and honestly, they're perfectly happy, healthy, and dare i say, smart children. your cute kaeden will be just fine. there will be so many things in the years to come that won't be what you had "planned" for him, but as long as he's happy and healthy, you just have to be flexible and go with the flow, or else you'll feel guilty and miserable the rest of your maternal life!
yes, guilt often comes with being a mother, but i for one refuse to give into that feeling. 99% of the mother's out there feel guilty for things that they ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT feel bad about and they're doing an awesome job. you included :)
phew...that was much too long. sorry, i just feel really passionate about not giving into the hype of feeling like you have to do everything perfect and "by the book" when if comes to being a mom!!!
p.s. seriously, your kaeden is one of the cutest baby's i've ever seen. i'm not even joking!
Honestly, I'm one of those women that just doesn't think that breastfeeding is the end all be all.
I know it is supposed to be better for the baby, but many, many babies are formula babies from day one, and they do fine!
You are not a quitter. Kaeden isn't going to resent you for not breastfeeding for the whole 12 months. It's OK!
I too struggled with breastfeeding my first child. While I was pregnant I didn't even think about it at all. I had no idea it could be so difficult. Then when the time came to nurse him I just couldn't do it. He couldn't latch on and I just felt so heartbroken, my poor baby was hungry and I couldn't feed him. I just balled and balled all night. The nurses told me that if I couldn't do it then to just forget about it and use formula. So I kept trying and kept crying and eventually became successful with the whole breastfeeding thing. With my second child it was a whole lot easier.
But if your supply is running out then there really isn't much you can do. I know how stressful it can be but don't beat yourself up over things that are out of your control.
sorry to hear you're going through this!
because i've never been a mother, i can't really offer any words of wisdom, but i appreaciate your openness and offer to help out future mothers (i hope i am one someday).
You have the best intentions and did more than I think most mothers would have. He will be grateful that it was that important to you that you not only bottle fed him but also pumped in order to give him breast milk.
I'm glad you've offered your experiences because I might need them someday :)
You know, I'm not scared about getting pregnant/being pregnant/giving birth, but I am scared about breast feeding. Why? I don't know! I want to. I will. But if I ever have nightmares it's always about not being able to breast feed or cracking nipples. Weird, huh?
I am so happy you posted this... First of all I am terrified of breastfeeding. Which is probably weird because I have never heard anyone say that. I want to do it but I am convinced I am going to have the hardest time. Because thats just the way things go for me. I agree with Whitney, youre intentions were in the best interest of your baby.
I am commenting on your all dogs go to heaven post: I am super attached to my dogs and last week I had to take one to the vet and I was convinced we were going to have to put him down and I was a WRECK. He's okay, just super old. What I am trying to say is I am SO SORRY you are going through that, its soooooo painful.
Breastfeeding is absolutely not easy. It sounds like you have done the best you could do for your cute baby. He has definitely already benefited. Any little bit counts and you've done good!
Thanks for stopping by my blog. Feel free to stop by anytime.
Ok so once I went to a BBQ and this girl sat down next to Que and I and she straps on her baby and starts to breastfeed. At the table. Que said he didn't know where to look when she asked us questions so he just looked at his plate. LOL Anyway, a few months later I saw her at another party and she brought the baby. But the baby was wearing a onesie that said "Got Milk?". It was so hard to keep a straight face.
Oh man, breastfeeding is hard and time consuming, but pumping and feeding. Not only should you not feel bad, you should feel like a super hero mom.
You are not a quitter and you have not failed.
It's been 4.5 years since I last nursed, but just the other day I was talking to a co-worker about crying over spilled (breast) milk. lol
hey you know what?
i feel you
it's SO much harder than i ever thought it would be
i went through the whole hating myself cycle too and still feel guilty whenever i give him the random bottle of formula. i can't keep up with my hungry hippo, i just don't make a ton of milk like some women do. i cried over it, i prayed about it, i did milk dances (okay not really) around the camp fire, i took all the special herbs and ate oatmeal by the buckets... still not a ton of milk. me and the nub have good days of all nursing, and we have bad days where the bottle makes a few appearances. but either way he's getting fed and full and that's the ultimate goal.
your little guy is a cutie, you have to do what's best for YOU and him both.
hey you know what?
i feel you
it's SO much harder than i ever thought it would be
i went through the whole hating myself cycle too and still feel guilty whenever i give him the random bottle of formula. i can't keep up with my hungry hippo, i just don't make a ton of milk like some women do. i cried over it, i prayed about it, i did milk dances (okay not really) around the camp fire, i took all the special herbs and ate oatmeal by the buckets... still not a ton of milk. me and the nub have good days of all nursing, and we have bad days where the bottle makes a few appearances. but either way he's getting fed and full and that's the ultimate goal.
your little guy is a cutie, you have to do what's best for YOU and him both.
Post a Comment